* Explain that God is on your side.
* Call the other person a rude four-letter, three-letter, five-letter, six-letter, 10-letter or 12-letter name.
* Explain that you are right because the other person is an idiot, while misspelling something.
* Use erratic punctuation or grammar while calling the other person stupid - also while typing in all caps.
* Describe your cats as "little boys in cat bodies" or "little people in cat suits" or "children, but actually cats, but really children" or "non-human children."
* Refuse to stop arguing.
* When the backlash starts, insist that you were hacked.
Amy and Samy - or someone posing as them - managed to do all of these things, sometimes in a single post. They did everything short of comparing someone to Hitler.
To call this kicking the hornet's nest would be an understatement.
Folks, it's not the Internet. It's you.
This column is excerpted from Alexandra Petri's blog at washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost.