That Santa Claus had better watch out
FROM one fat, old white man to another, I have some advice for Santa Claus this year: Lay low.
Surely he is next on the list of targets of Our Government, Who Art In Washington.
Santa needs to look up from making his list and checking it twice and appreciate just how precarious his position is.
Any government that can force the Pope to pop for birth control pills for unmarried women is not to be messed with.
Santa gives his critics plenty of ammo.
There is his exploitation of elves - height-challenged Americans - whom he forces to make toys in his sweatshop at the North Pole.
It's not global warming that is causing the Arctic ice to melt; it's the sweat from the brows of those overworked toymakers that dooms polar bears.
Not only does Santa exploit the short, he discriminates against the tall by refusing to hire any of them.
Also, he is fat.
In Michelle Obama's America, every obese person is a slave to fast food and sweets who promotes an unhealthy lifestyle.
Society presumes that every overweight person will get diabetes, and that will run up everyone's medical bills.
Fat people and Walmart shoppers are the final targets of derision in modern America.
As MTV found out with "Buckwild," you cannot even pick on hillbillies these days.
So strike one against Santa.
Then there is this whole business of Santa determining who is naughty and who is nice.
That is so judgmental.
Most Americans wouldn't know the Bible from the phone book but they have Matthew 7:1 memorized: "Judge not lest ye be judged."
We live in a country where no deed - good or evil - is punished.
Does anyone really think that parents who demand participation trophies for their progeny will not protest placement on the naughty list?
All children have a right to a Christmas toy no matter what their race, religion or creed is and regardless of their actions.
It's in the Constitution somewhere, something about the right to keep and bear Barbies.
Then there is Santa's tax situation. The North Pole must be an offshore tax shelter because I have never heard of Santa paying any taxes.
He has an income. There can be no doubt.
If Bill Clinton can command up to $100,000 for a lousy speech, then Santa has to be raking in millions from his mall appearances and the like.
The Coca-Cola commercials alone should be worth $1.5 million annually. Isn't that what Alec Baldwin collects for his Capital One credit card commercials?
Of course, Baldwin donates the money to charity.
And to be fair to Santa, the right jolly old soul does have qualities that should endear him to this regime.
Flying reindeer provide an Earth-friendly alternative to jet fuel, although I am not quite sure how People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals feels about this.
Maybe they can send me a card with a nearly naked model or actress or even a Kardashian on it to state their position on the use of flying reindeer.
At any rate, Santa needs to dial it down this year.
The blue states won the election this year, and he's still wearing a red suit, which makes him a big fat target for the nonjudgmental people who sit in judgment of us all.
Surber may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.